Friday, October 28, 2005

Proposal: Booty Call Protocols

You'd think booty calls would be a no-brainer, wouldn't you?

I mean, the booty call is supposed to be the simplest relationship around, with both parties getting what it is they want: no-strings-attached sex.

And yet...

Okay, first things first: Keep it basic. It's a booty-call, no more no less. Ideally, this would be with someone who you find physically attractive, but personally repellent. This way, it's all about the sex, and no feelings get involved. Unfortunately, the repellent part will usually cancel the attraction, so ideals are hereby thrown out the window. (But when it works? Yow.)

Let's embrace the word "casual" instead.

Now, in this arena we have a bit more fluidity, which is both good and bad, particularly in the sense of having emotions becoming involved. This isn't exactly a danger, but power dynamics can be a bitch to wade through. Oh, we'll get to that crap in a second.

There are two booty call archetypes, and they are pretty self-explanatory: the Long Distance BC, and the Random or Platonic BC. It really doesn't matter which one you find yourself in, the rules are essentially the same.

1) This is a partnership of convenience, people. The biggest mistake you could make is to try to use the booty call to attract someone. That it's been known to happen is beside the point, you simply can not go into one of these expecting a happy ever after. A happy ending, sure...

1a) If you find yourself wanting more from the arrangement than what you're getting, pipe the fuck up. Unless, that is, you're willing to settle for less, and you're keeping protocol #1 in mind.

2) Both parties have to be completely honest, should "the talk" take place. Both parties have to accept the outcome of said talk. If the outcome is positive on both sides, great. But if one party can't reciprocate, then deal. And these are the only two outcomes, and anything else isn't kosher.

On the one hand, it isn't fair to lead the other on, in order to continue having sex. On the other, you can't keep hanging on with the hopes of sparking something, if the other just isn't there. You either keep on just having sex, or the partnership ends.

That simple, really*. Beyond this, you start getting into the grey areas...

3) If either partner has some "serious" relationship start up, in the midst of the booty callin', that person should inform the other and put an indefinite hold on the calls.

4) If either or both partners have other extra-curricular activities (be safe, for fuck's sake, literally), that should be out in the open too.

Perhaps you've noticed, but (honest and regular) communication, as with most things, is key here. Particularly, if it's a regular thing with someone you know or hang out with (beyond the bedroom). If it's something you do maybe once a month, then that might be something different. Otherwise, keeping secrets will, inevitably, kill a good time.

Let's say you've had a pretty exclusive thing going on. How would you feel walking into a group outing, and finding out that your partner has started seeing someone recently? Would you rather have known? Then give your partner that same respect.

Lastly, I want to stress something for those who find themselves on the lower end of a power situation (they're not as into a relationship as you are): Don't be a patsy. If after having "the talk" (and I repeat, this cannot be skipped), you find out they're not that into it, and you really, really want it: have some self-respect and get out. Spend a month away, two weeks, whatever. Get some perspective, and maybe try the friend route, or don't.

Just sex is great (and still a viable option after the talk), but spending any amount of time with false hopes is a waste of time, and sucks beyond comparison.

Trust me.

*And by nature of its simplicity, difficult to enact.

12 Comments:

At 11:30 AM, Blogger rob said...

Soup to nuts, of your writings, this is the most profound I have ever read you.

Well done.

 
At 2:24 PM, Blogger Stine said...

Ditto to what Rob said, and OH so friggin timely considering the last two weeks.

 
At 11:26 PM, Blogger PK said...

Simple, basic, and to the point. You speak wisdom.

 
At 9:27 AM, Blogger JJisafool said...

I mean, like, DUH.

Problem is you can't really see the wisdom of the guidelines until you have seen the un-wisdom of their non-application, dig?

So, it is true, but self-evident to anyone that knows and hokum to anyone that doesn't.

 
At 10:11 AM, Blogger the beige one said...

Ah, but you see, I'm writing this for those who're too afraid to try to begin with.

And those that don't know should at least have the pitfalls pointed out to them.

And some of those that know end up abusing the situation.

I'm sorry if this seems old hat to you,hoss, but I think it a worthwhile endeavor.

 
At 12:34 PM, Blogger JJisafool said...

>>And those that don't know should at least have the pitfalls pointed out to them.

Yeah, but when has that ever worked? Ever been pointed out a pitfall you could recognize as such until you were already in and looking out?

>>And some of those that know end up abusing the situation.

OK, maybe as a cautionary tale, this might help. Like, dude, these are the rules that potentially bad user folks understand but will use against you, so be aware of the possibility.

Even still, everything you say makes so much common sense, and therefore none at all once dick, pussy and heart get involved. Our powers of self-deception are far stronger than our ability to learn from the experience of others.

 
At 1:24 PM, Blogger the beige one said...

> Ever been pointed out a pitfall you could recognize as such until you were already in and looking out?

Oh sure. Often, I end up in the pitfall, simply so I can say that I've fallen for it too, for the experience...

> Our powers of self-deception are far stronger than our ability to learn from the experience of others.

yes, quite true.

but the point of this blog (like the one on flirting) isn't just to be cautionary.

It's simply to say "take a fucking chance. Here's what you're getting into, it's not that bad, here are some guidelines to help, now go do it."

A primer, if you will. Why? Because, more and more, I keep running into people too afraid to move, to take chances, to enjoy themselves.

And I'm sorry, but NSA sex is something that everyone should experience, and not feel hang ups about.

I'm simply saying, "here's what you're getting into."

 
At 10:34 AM, Blogger Missuz J said...

Shit--I haven't had a booty call in so long, I couldn't even begin to comment. Nice post--but I keep checking back for a new one.

If I recall, the booty call in days of yore, the sex was usually down right lousy, but that was probably because the, um, booty that I chose to call was usually selfish or self centered and not concerned with anything but personally getting off.

 
At 1:39 PM, Blogger the beige one said...

I like the fact that Missuz J's getting snippy with me. I'm used to it from JJ...

I hope today's b-ball themed entry alleviates the need for diversity.

 
At 6:04 PM, Blogger Missuz J said...

Was that snippy? Didn't intend for it to be. Happy b-ball season. Personally, I could give a fuck. (Now--THAT was snippy.)

:)

 
At 2:59 PM, Blogger the beige one said...

I was only talking about the "keep checking back" bit...

nothing worse than self-centered booty partners.

 
At 8:01 PM, Blogger rob said...

Hmmmm...

In principle, BC sex shouldn't be bad as it's really easy to just drop the partner if they suck. That is, unless one is just desperate for any kind of sex and wishes to go through the most minimal effort to find it. In which case, the suckage of the sex will be directly proportionate to the patience of the unsatisfied...forever.

In principle.

Now...the one night stands. Ugh! That sex is almost ALWAYS terrible.

 

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