Thursday, June 07, 2007

How To Avoid Jail In Two Easy Steps

Step One: Move to Los Angeles.
Step Two: Become a celebrity.

Look, I know this ain't new. And I'm pop-culturally depraved enough to know about the countless number of celebrities who've gotten away with criminal crap (or at least lessened sentences) down in LA LA land just because of who they were (i.e. Robert Downey Jr., OJ, Wynona Rider, and so on and on and on and on)...

This takes the fuggin' cake, though.

Are you kidding me?

I mean, I freakin' know, all right? But, come the fuck on! I'm repeating myself, I'm so tweaked.

Were this anyone else (like, say, Halle Berry, or Morgan Freeman, or hell, you or me), what do you think the authorities would say to: "It's too cold! I'm scared! I can't sleep at night?"

They'd say, "WELCOME TO JAIL, YOU IGNORANT DOUSCHEBAG!" That's what they'd say!

So, here we get Paris "I Take Legal Advice From My Publicist" Hilton, a stone cold bitch if there ever was one; Ms. I Get Special Treatment 'Cause Of The Money I Represent (with more misspellings, I'm sure) we have her caught red-handed flouting the law, they reduce the friggin' sentence by half, she spend TWO WHOLE FUGGIN' DAYS IN THE HOOSEGOW, she whines and she's put on home monitoring?!?!?

This is teaching the girl a lesson how? "Oh, those are two days no one should have to serve..." No one except, you know, CRIMINALS...

Okay, I've vented most of this crap.

I dunno why I'm so hepped up about this, as I said, this ain't new. I mean, why trot out the "John Q. Public would be expected to serve whatever sentence was handed down, no exception" argument, when we've seen this sort of thing happen ad infinitum?

Maybe it's because young Ms. Hilton represents the most venal aspects of our celebrity culture. Maybe I feel suckered for feeling a flash of sympathy for the idiot after the (hilarious) public shaming she received at the hands of Sarah Silverman. Maybe it's because the idealist in my head saw even the original reduced sentence as a shot at redemption for the brainless twaddle..."sure, I'm insipid, and a general cypher of a person, but at least I did my time...I sucked it up (heh) and did it (more heh)."

Ultimately, she's too weak, her daddy too weak-willed and rich, and western civilization takes another lurching step towards oblivion...



At 1:55 PM, Blogger Joe said...

Okay, first off, how the hell could you have posted this at 11:3something? It must be a rift in the space-time continuum.

And second, come on, don't you think this poor girl has suffered enough? She had to go to a smelly place where NORMAL people go! What do you want--blood? Poor, poor Paris. Think of how much coke she's going to have to snort to forget this horror.

At 12:53 AM, Blogger Kate said...

Oh lordy. This was the talk of the dressing room tonight.
She's one that you would like to see airdropped into a third world country. No-one would be suckered by her nervous breakdown, they would just stare.

At 8:09 AM, Blogger JJisafool said...

First, loved Silverman's shots at her (though her Nicholson joke was the best of the opening spiel).

Second, yeah, yeah, but society isn't crumbling any worse now than it was a week ago, so take a deep breath.

Three, she may be going back. Keep your fingers crossed.


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