B. Jones: Hello? Hey, Douschebags!

[TBO's Note: Upon hearing that the Sonics drew the Number Two slot in the upcoming draft, I had to look for Missives-friend B. Jones to get his take on the matter. I finally found him huddled in a fetal position in a corner of the room he was occupying. What follows are, in essence, his thoughts.--tbo]

whoop-dee-doo, Sonics got number two. Finally, they're getting what their fans have been getting over the last three years.

[garbled speech]...bet everyone's all, "this is great news for the beleaguered Sonics, yadda fuggin' yadda, wank wank wank." Won't do us any fuggin' good, will it? All it really means is that we were shitty enough this last season to get into the lottery system. There's something to be proud of.

Anyway, whaddayawanna bet that instead of going for someone good, like an Oden or a Durant, they're gonna go get yet another skinny beanpole, likely of African descent, outta France? You know, another "young talent, with big man potential."

Huh? You don't think that'll happen? LOOK AT THE LAST FIVE YEARS!

[garbled]uckin' McIlvayne...WORST STRING OF OWNERSHIP SINCE...Seahawks...Early Red Sox...Selig.

Oh, but, wait wait...wait a second. I forget. Lemme ask you: Do they have anyone lined up to coach the team next year? Hell, fuck that thought for a second, what about a General Manager to, I don't know, lead the team through the hiring of the coach, get them through the draft, try to keep Rashard Lewis, or at least trade him for something good, or, I dunno, guide the goddamn team through the various minefields they have ahead of them in the coming months...Who do they have? NOBODY, THAT'S FUGGIN' WHO!

Hey, Lenny, get on the fuggin' ball, y'asshole! And hey, I remember your record with the Hawks, so thanks for that first trophy, but don't even think about it, all right? You feel me?

Who the fuck wants to sign with the Sonics anymore? "Hi, hello, hey, yeah, we're a bunch of douschebags from a city of equivocating douschebags...In the next five years, you could end up in Las Vegas, Kansas City, or Oklahoma City...do you really want to live in any of these places? I mean, we could get you bling in Vegas, but that place is played out if you're living there. Besides, we can't afford to pay you more than $4million a year, so...here, talk to the Blazers."

MUHFUGGIN SONICS! I'VE GIVEN YOU MY HEART, MY MONEY, MY TIME, MY LOYALTY, AND THIS IS HOW YOU PAY ME BACK? BIGGEST POOL OF UNUSED TALENT AND POTENTIAL SINCE BRETT RATTNER'S XMEN 3!

GIVE ME MY LIFE BACK GIVE ME MY LIFE BACK GIVE ME MY LIFE BACK GIVE ME MY LIFE BACK GIVE ME MY LIFE BACK GIVE ME MY LIFE BACK GIVE ME MY LIFE BACK GIVE ME MY LIF----zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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Riveting, isn't it?--tbo