Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Here's Roosevelt Franklin with a Special Announcement


My name is Roosevelt Franklin. Some of you may recognize me as your surrogate on Sesame Street from your early childhood. In any scenario, I took better care of you than your stupid parents did, so listen up, dingbats!

Above me, you see a picture of one of my muppet friends, Herry Monster. Do you remember him? Do you remember the media fascination with him when he turned up missing for eight months, never to be heard from again? Do you remember how you forgot?

Well I do, because unlike an entire generation I could mention, I never got drunk, nor did I touch any kind of drug. I never forgot about Herry. I've been gone allll this time, searching for him, and others like him, because Herry wasn't the only one to go missing, not by a long shot. And did any of you notice? DID ANY OF YOU CARE?

I'm sorry, I'm shaking in frustration, let me calm down.

Well, I finally found out what happened, and I'm here to tell you about it.

One day, Herry went walking through the muppet forest, carrying a heavy box, humming that "Sing" song you remember (oh, you know the one), when his foot got caught in a trap. Herry was miles away from anyone, except for the wild muppets, and they talk to nobody. Herry chewed off his own foot (the only bodily remains of Herry that we can find, his muppetDNA found in the residue of the saliva on his leg), and attempted to get back home, but his tracks only reach a fraction of the way back.

Here, there was obviously a struggle and then, the evidence trail just disappears.

For years and years, this is how the case was left, a bloody stump and blue fur tufts left here and there, and no Herry. Until I ran across this:


Look through these pictures...See anyone you recall?

Take a look at the second to last one.

I'm sorry, I'm shaking again. But only because my friend Herry has been given a dye job and purple highlights only to be turned into...a HOODIE for some stupid burner to wear and impress their drugged out, naked, dirty thirsty friends.

Have you humans no shame? Herry loved you, he cared for you, he taught you how to recognize the letter H, and the number 13, and you...and you...(Yes I know I'm shaking again) And you kill him and wear him as a trophy?

I can't look at you anymore! If you felt any kind of emotion, you'd create an organization to stop this brutality, because it's not just Herry you have to think about, it's the Yup Yup Aliens, it's the big tall guy with the nose, it's Tully. Have you seen those guys around? NO. YOU HAVEN'T! And now you know why.

Oh you bastards...Oh you ungrateful murdering bastards...


At 6:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's kinda funny.

At 11:04 AM, Blogger the beige one said...

happy birthday, JJ.

At 11:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why you always gotta out me - showin' off that you know it's me?

Should be stoppin' by the Lobo for a birthday libation round 6 or so.

At 11:48 AM, Blogger the beige one said...

man, 'cause it's you, I can tell.

Try sounding like someone else, then I'll stop calling you out.

You could just say it's you. You could also post something new in your damn site, seeing as you're linked now.

At 12:12 PM, Blogger PK said...

Dude! You gotta problem with burners? Is that what I'm hearing? Better step off, I'm vicious with pair of fairy wings on and a hand full of playa dust.

At 12:19 PM, Blogger the beige one said...


No, and I'm a fan of Dumb Clothing. I just think it's funny, unlike JJ, who turns 33 today, has a wife and kid, and needs to write more regularly.

At 2:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Eat me - I'm moving on Saturday. Gotta be packing boxes n' shit.

At 3:08 PM, Blogger the beige one said...

JJ is moving from West Seattle to Ballard

At 7:08 AM, Anonymous Arte said...

I have you linked now.


At 10:57 AM, Blogger JJisafool said...

Herry Spotted!

Elmo's World, episode about balls, he squishes the air from a beach ball.

That hoodie must be some poor random muppet bastard with the rotten luck of a coat like Herry and a crack problem.

Hate to see that.


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