Friday, October 15, 2004

Meese Files: Am I White or White?

This is what happens when I'm over caffeinated, bored at work, and have nothing better to do. There was talk on the list (instigated by me) about having a Who Is Whiter type of competition.


After arbitrary consideration, I've determined the following:

In terms of skin tone, Snake is the whitest one around here...that I've laid eyes on. Since I've met her, it seems like she has studiously avoided contact with the sun, which is an accomplishment, considering that 1)She's from Florida, 2)She has lived in Los Angeles, and 3)the fact that the sun (is a mass of incandecent gas) is out in our sky at least 50% of the time. Congratulations, Snake!Honorable mentions go to: Godot (your freckles took you out of competition), Rudbekia, and SmellyKnee. Miss Congeniality goes to DownUnder.

In terms of overall whiteness: this was a tough field to compete in, I mean, look at who we have here. So, I had to do some cutting down. First to go: anyone who lives in a major urban area. Sorry, if you live in NYC or Boston, DC or Seattle, (or in goddamn australia; and yes, Pittsburgh counts) you're too fucking hip for school, ergo, not white enough. Bye bye. (amongst these, Godot and X were front runners) Chicks who work on motorcycles: GONE.

This leaves us with MTGrrl, SmellyKnee, and Mehitabel.

Mehitab, part 'rab (says the Puerto Rican that most people confuse for black, thereby creating the new slur, Spigga. better than Nics I s'pose) and used to live in Philly. sorry, love. try again next year.

Ooooh, this is tough.

MTGrrl, decidedly libertarian, lives in Telluride (which is way the fuck in the corner of Colorado, a bonus in terms of whiteness)--and not even in the town itself, in the outskirts of Telluride, which is like saying you live in the outskirts of ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOWHERE, only slightly better than living in, say, Ouray--, does some arcane business with maps for a living, telecommuting to boot. Is married, but has no kids, skis, and owns some kind of 4x4 contraption.

SmellyKnee, hails from Buffalo, lives in some town somewhere in Massachussets that I haven't even heard of, and is best known for having some kind of railroad going through it and some coffee shop or something. Married, but has a kid, from a previous shack job, no less. Had a predilection for wrasslin' which she gained by being influenced by other loudmouth types (amazingly enough, not me), and roots for the frippin' Patriots. Currently works in marketing, but is thinking about going back to school for psychology.

I'm sorry, but the winner here is not that obvious. These two represent your classic white person archetypes here. It's neck and neck, and I'm forced to go to the rulebooks on this one.

eeny meeny miny mo
catch a tiger by the toe
if he hollers let him go

The Winner of the Whitest Person On this List Is:


Congratulations Smelly! You've earned the title by your sheer willingness to being white, and a random game of chance! Hope you enjoy your title.


At 6:33 AM, Blogger Michelle F. said...

Dear Amby,

Ms. SmellyKnee lives in New Hampshire. And! I do believe that makes her even more white!!

At 8:42 PM, Blogger Jayne said...

I'm not sure if I'm all that comfortable with being referred to as DownUnder :)

At 5:13 AM, Blogger Didi said...

Oh Amby, how I miss thee. One of these days I'll drag my ass back over to the list. I promise.

At 6:03 PM, Blogger the beige one said...

Jayne, I simply forgot what your old handle on topica/chick click was...sorry luvvie.

At 6:11 PM, Blogger Welsh Pixie said...

Woah, looks like you get as bored in work as I do.



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